Since Val has broken the ice, I thought I would offer some more Christmas humor. The following is a Narrative Summary (a report of a hospitalization) that was circulated at the Plattsburgh Air Force hospital where I worked in 1986. I published it in my memoirs, Women Aren’t Supposed to Fly. Unfortunately I don’t know who wrote it, so I can’t give credit where credit is due.
Kringle, K. AD/Arctic AF 0-7 000-00-0000
D & T: ELF
USAF Hospital Plattsburgh, Plattsburgh AFB, NY 12903
Register number: classified.
Date of admission: 24 December 1986
Date of discharge: AMA 0100 25 December 1986
CHIEF COMPLAINT: Frostbitten tallywhacker.
HISTORY OF THE PRESENT ILLNESS: The patient is a three hundred and eight year old supernatural being employed as a stealth sleigh driver, powered by reindeer, who comes in on Christmas Eve stating that he was coming over the northern part of the Yukon Territory and, unfortunately, the fly of his pants came open, and his member was exposed to some rather cold air flowing by at rather high velocity. Unfortunately, he did not notice right at first and attempted to slide down a chimney at which point, he then scraped his member on the edge of the bricks. He now comes in appearing quite uncomfortable, and complaining of pain in his genital area. He also noted some mild abdominal discomfort, and admits to drinking large amounts of ethylene glycol earlier this evening, prior to his trip. The patient is rather vague about his trip but indicates that he really needs to be on his way, and really just wants something for his pain.
PAST AND FAMILY HISTORY: The patient gives a remarkable lack of much past history despite his age. He notes that about this time every year he does get rather anxious and occasionally requires some sedatives to calm him down. He also has occasional bouts with hemorrhoids, and was recently seen at this hospital for the same complaint while on a supply run. Family history is rather unremarkable, in fact, he doesn’t recall that he has any family other than his wife, twenty-two elves, and eight reindeer – one who seems to be constantly bothered by a red and runny nose. He is employed as a sleigh driver for the Arctic Air Force, but fails to reveal much other detail, saying he is on a “Super-Duper Top Clearance Mission.” He does claim to have recently recharged his batteries. Apparently, by that he means he had a nuclear-powered penile implant because he said even at 308 years old he still does enjoy his sexual activity, and that he just wasn’t quite as potent as he used to be.
PHYSICAL EXAMINATION: The patient has a blood pressure of 168/90. Pulse is 72, and regular. Respiratory rate is 18. He is afebrile. The patient is a rather old, jolly fellow. He is dressed in fur from his head to his foot and his clothes are all tarnished with ashes and soot. His eyes have a twinkle, his dimples how merry. His cheeks are like roses, his nose like a cherry. The stump of a pipe he clenches in his teeth, and the smoke encircles his head like a wreath. He is rather short, and has a little round belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. The rest of the examination is remarkable for a rather large member. It appears to have some external abrasions, and some very mild frostbite at the tip. An eerie glow seems to emanate from his left femoral region, this is apparently his nuclear-powered implant.
LABORATORY DATA: Is remarkable for an ethylene glycol level of 38.
- Frostbitten penis secondary to exposure with some external abrasions.
- Ethylene glycol intoxication.
- Obesity, and mild gastritis secondary to number 2 and to excessive intake of snacks tonight.
COURSE IN THE HOSPITAL: The patient was admitted to the Internal Medicine Service. Surgical consultation with Dr. Costanzo was obtained, who debrided some frostbitten area. Right after this, the patient became quite agitated and signed out against medical advice (AMA) stating that he had a trip which he must complete tonight.
DISPOSITION: The patient was advised to keep his member covered for the remainder of the trip, and that we will look forward to seeing him again next year.
Signature of Physician: William Osler, M.D.
Merry Christmas to All!
This article was originally published in the Science-Based Medicine Blog.