Warning: If you are offended by humor that depends on psychiatric and medical diagnoses, read no further.
Disclaimer: Before anyone complains (and in this age of exaggerated political correctness, someone surely will), let me make it clear that I mean no disrespect to people suffering from the illnesses mentioned below. I have the greatest empathy for sick people, and I have encountered several of these conditions in my own family and have actually experienced four of them myself. Humor about them doesn’t offend me, and I hope it will not offend you. Also, my mention of Christmas and Hanukkah songs is not intended to endorse any religious belief.
After a year of serious talk about mostly discouraging things, I thought it was time for a totally frivolous post to cheer us up with a little holiday humor. A friend sent me a list of “Christmas Carols for the Psych Ward.” I thought they were funny, and I’ve copied the best of them below. I’ve added a few of my own for other medical diagnoses, and then I added several about complementary and alternative medicine.
Christmas Carols for the Psych Ward
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
AMNESIA: I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and….
PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…
AUTISTIC: Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock …
SENILE DEMENTIA: Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe
Christmas Carols for Other Medical Conditions
Argyria: Silver Balls
Mumps: The Chipmunk Song
Depression: Blue Christmas.
Rosacea: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Rhinophyma patient
Hypothyroidism: Baby It’s Cold Outside (and Inside too)
Obesity: We want some figgy pudding. (from We Wish You a Merry Christmas)
Scotomas (defects in visual field): O Holey Night
Edentulous: All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth (along with the rest of them).
Alcoholic: Here We Come A-Wassailing
Deaf: Silent Night
Tinnitus: Jingle Bells
Narcolepsy: Shepherds! Shake Off Your Drowsy Sleep
Christmas Carols for Complementary and Alternative Medicine
Chiropractors: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (and we can fix the resulting subluxations).
Acupuncture: The Twelve Acupoints of Christmas
Homeopathy: Kissin’ By The Mistletoe [Viscum album, one drop of mistletoe extract diluted to 30C and deposited on a sugar pill. Shaken, not stirred.].
Customer for penis enlargement products: I Have a Little Dreidel
Probiotics: The Friendly Beasts
Colon cleansing: Come, All Ye Feces-full
Faith healers: Rise Up (out of your wheelchairs) Shepherds and Follow
TCM practitioners: From East to West
CAM believers responding to SBM: You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
Playing with song titles can be great fun. Think up some of your own and post them in the comments section. It makes a great holiday pastime or party game.
Best Wishes for Whatever You Celebrate: Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Newton’s Birthday and Winter Solstice to All!
This article was originally published in the Science-Based Medicine Blog.